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Six Annoying Ass Things Men Do On Dates

I’ve never understood patriarchal hypocrisy on any level, medicine my blood temperature begins to resemble that of my Italian friend Mount Vesuvius. Below reads an angrily compiled list of the six most annoying things (some) men wrongfully assume on dates:

1. Yeah you can pay, but you’re still not bae!

As far as I’m concerned, a woman can come through to your Nobu reservation with her legs freshly waxed and mustache newly bleached, eat nothing but caviar and shrimp and still not have to buss it open for you. You can’t buy a woman’s intimacy and the assumption that you’ll get to sample these sweets just because you swiped your AMEX is wild. I mean, is it even a black card?

2. Nails done, hair done everything did…

Just because she walking with a wiggle, showing a little cleavage and twirling her decorated fingers through her newly autumn inspired dyed hair that she was gonna run into your devilish arms at the stroke of midnight? Sorry boo, you ain’t Prince Charming and Cinderella didn’t spend the whole afternoon summoning a retired fairy grandmother for a boy who expects a rose bush without the thorns.
3. Lickin’ ya lips like you’re LL but you’re still not doing it and doing it and doing it well… enough for me

What makes you think that you deserve any kind of black, brown or pink magical realness just because you were the object of her gaze during a three course meal? Is that what diamond encrusted bikini betweens is worth to you? Baby boy, even the most seductive of licks across your silver plated fork couldn’t guarantee a piece of this pie.

4. Got my freakum dress on… and that’s where it’s staying… ON!

Women can dress how they like, speak how they like and act how they like without having to spread their silky smooth legs akimbo. No slice… of this cake for you. She may have taken advantage of that pay day sale and bought the slinkiest, sexiest dress on the inter-web but that still doesn’t mean you’ve got the right code to make her doors open sesame.
5. “It’s not you, it’s me” – Having a choice doesn’t make her frigid…

She doesn’t want you bro. You’ll just have to accept it. I know rejection is painful and that you’ll soon feel an intense amount of pressure to release your inner pathological liar when giving the lads an update in the group chat but no, you didn’t hit it and no, this does not make her frigid. You may not be getting a sensual rub down from her tonight but I do know something that deserves a hot steamy massage into the early hours… your ego.

6. If you’re trying to purchase me, you’re card has been declined.

Ladies, you are worth more than a comfortable bed and an uncomfortable grope. A malignant promise of lobster and a desperate quarter bottle of pineapple Ciroc ain’t got nothing on your virtue. By all means have your fun but just know that your lovely lady lumps should not be mounted as an expectation… such a gift should be an expedition for his requisition.

He has to earn the right to penetrate your peaks. I mean if Drake can scream that his d*ck ain’t free, you sure as hell don’t need to be taking the price tag off yours.


Written by Chimmy Lawson


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