You find yourself in a situation with a guy and you’re pretty much dumbfounded by the person you have become and most importantly, medications what you have accepted. Imagine the feeling. You question yourself – when did I become this person? I wanted to share my story about a time when I admittedly lowered my standards, and almost couldn’t recognise the person that I had become.
I had been single for almost three years and to be honest I was lonely. My last experience with a guy had ended terribly and honestly, I was still carrying the burden. I had accepted such shitty behaviour from him time and time again, constantly chasing him and ignoring the advice my friends had given me – unknowingly dropping my own standards. But I had to be honest with myself, I couldn’t put all the blame on him when in actual fact, my willingness to get involved with him gave him the permission he needed to treat me like shit. Honesty is one the biggest contributing factors to personal growth, listen to your inner voice and when it’s about to do something stupid – correct it.
Following on from my experience with this, I had sworn to myself that I would never accept behaviour like that from anyone. I had taken time to appreciate myself, noted what I wanted from a future partner and actually started to enjoy the single life, but the downfall appeared again and slapped me in the face before I could even think about it.
Rewind to a couple of months ago – I met someone and things were going great and I felt like I was finally beginning to trust again. Unfortunately that was short lived and slowly but surely, the same shitty behaviour patterns began to appear, which I saw but chose to ignore – again. After all the time it took for me to meet someone, why would I throw it all away just because he did something that slightly pissed me off? I chose to ignore it, lowered my standards and settled for bullshit behaviour.
I was ranting to a good friend about the situation one day who told me, “Alisha, you’re so used to shit behaviour that you don’t expect anything more“.
The words stung like hell but I had realised that I was not allowing the good energy to enter into my life because I had gotten so used to accommodating for the bad. My inner voice was screaming, she was the sassiest person I had ever met but somehow couldn’t appear within the actions or choices I made. I had become so miserable that it was affecting my family life and my friendships. I would sulk in the corner and constantly battle and blame myself for why my relationships with men had always fallen through. Until one day I thought to myself, ‘you know what – forget it’. I made the decision to remove my self from the situation and recognise that I needed to undergo personal development and learning.
I’m a very forgiving person – I think it’s a great attribute to have but sometimes it is one of my most significant flaws. I prioritised accepting crappy behaviour above ‘I’m a forgiving person’ – rubbish is what I’m gonna say. You can be a forgiving individual as well as establishing boundaries with the person in question. In life we make countless amount of mistakes but with that, comes countless opportunities to forgive yourself, let go and evolve. We need to learn to recognise when we are internally harming ourselves through the acceptance of other people’s misdemeanours. No matter what the situation, don’t fall into the trap of letting anyone violate you – to put it frankly.
I know that I have a long way to go but ultimately, acceptance and truth is a starter and the most important factor in my personal growth.
Written by Alisha D
Society has embedded in us, ailment as a culture, to be fully connected to someone by the time we are 15. We are supposed to be in relationships experiencing this thing called love. We are supposed to be opening our bodies to any and everything for the sake of being loved. But what if you never experience love from the opposite sex? What if you never be told those four words? What if maybe you don’t even love yourself? How can you expect to give yourself away when you don’t even know if being in a relationship is right for you? These are the complex questions that I ask myself on the daily.
I have been asking myself these questions since I was younger. I knew from an early age something was different about me. I knew that I was going to be that one friend who would be single. I always knew that myspace was sacred and that I had a duty to protect that space. But that is not the truth entirely as to why I am choosing to be single. There is always a story to the main story. And every detail plays a vital role in the outcome of who we become as people.
We all must allow ourselves time to be. To be with us and learn who we are. In being in a relationship at this moment in my life it will hinder that process. I want to explore all areas of my life and see where I end up. Truth be told I could not do that in relationship unless the other person allowed it. I am single for me because I choose to be in a relationship with me first. We must know us before we can give us to anyone else in this world.
So what is the truth? As to why I am single? Well here it goes for the world to read. I am single because I am learning to love me and be with me. Fixing the disrespectful disposition that I have towards the male race. Understanding that the man I called dad was broken and did not know how to love. Knowing and understanding that his pain was never my fault. Giving myself time to heal, grow, and prosper. Allowing myself to experience the selfish times in which I am entitled to. Allowing myself to be free for the first time in my life.