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Why in the Face of the “Friend Zone” Persistence ISN’T Key


Let us discuss the number of male friends I’ve lost over the wretched notion that being platonic with a woman is such a terrible thing. Yes, I’m talking about “The Friend zone,” the term used when a person’s romantic or sexual interests are not reciprocated by a pursued person.

LAPP, LAPP The Brand, Leomie Anderson, Friendzone, Friendships

Source: tumblr.com

Now, I’m a very friendly person, and by “friendly” I mean that I’m typically nice to most people I meet, guys as well, because I would want people to be nice to me. I’ll laugh with you, get into deep conversations, discuss the wonders of the world, offer my advice when asked, and tell you you’re the shit, just like I’d do with anyone who befriended me. However, I don’t believe I intentionally do it in a way that is flirtatious nor do I try to lead anyone on, in my mind it’s innocent conversation, although I’m aware that miscommunication are not uncommon. I honestly hate it when I end up regretting being nice to someone because you should never regret being a nice person, but when someone takes advantage of your kindness or, in this case, takes it the wrong way, you get put in an extremely awkward position. If you’re like me, extremely awkward situations only get more awkward because I don’t like to deal with them, and I also don’t exactly know how, hence: awkwardness. 

LAPP, LAPP The Brand, Leomie Anderson, Friendzone, Friendships

Source: tenor.com

I’m not exactly sure what goes through a guy’s mind when he feels he’s been “friend-zoned,” or what type of insecurities he’s fought through, I only know what is going through my mind when I’m not physically/romantically attracted to a guy who has expressed those interests in me. In no way, shape or form are my intentions to be shallow, or to be a bitch, I just strongly believe that I don’t have to be romantically interested in every guy I meet. I don’t even like to date guys UNTIL we’ve grasped a solid friendship. So, that sparks my question, why do *some* guys get so butt-hurt when girls don’t want to date them? Or worse try their damnedest to convince you that your feelings are wrong and that your little girl brain can’t understand it yet but you *actually* are deeply in love with them. Then you get hit with the “girls only like guys that treat them like shit,” “They never go for the good guys” sob story. Can we kill the notion that just because you’re a nice guy, you’re entitled to whatever and whoever you want? That literally makes you a terrible person. 

The first time this happened to me was high school, and this guy and I started conversing over our mutual hatred of getting up early to go to school. Eventually, he asks for my number, but I never gave my number out so I gave him my messenger user name and thought nothing of it. This guy was really nice, I figured that he would be a really good friend, I’ve always wanted a really good guy friend, a brother or best friend type. I thought “Yay, finally a male friend!” we had great conversations, some of the best I’ve had with anyone, however I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way, I literally just wanted to be friends. He later expressed that he was into me and wanted to be more than friends and my initial reaction was the upside-down smile emoji (unfortunately it didn’t exist back then) because I thought “great, now this friendship is about to get awkward, welp, it was fun while it lasted, gotta blast!” 

LAPP, LAPP The Brand, Leomie Anderson, Friendzone, Friendships

Source: giphy.com

But instead of ghosting him, I just told him that I didn’t like him that way and that we’d be better as friends. He was the type that tried to convince me that my feelings for him were suppressed and that sooner or later I would realize that he was exactly what I needed, and that at that moment, I just didn’t know what I wanted BUT he wasn’t going anywhere until I did. He made me feel like I was obligated to date him because he was nice. He always let it slip in conversation that girls don’t date him because he’s too nice to which I rolled my eyes each time since I knew I was being guilt tripped. He was a good guy, until not a minute passed that he wasn’t reminding me that he was, as if I had forgotten. He went from good friend to fuckboy in a matter of minutes and it was depressing. I calmly let the situation die and just never really spoke to him again outside of small talk. 

Another incident was more recent, it was a guy that I was attracted to, but after getting to know him better, I was completely turned off. As I mentioned before, I don’t like dating guys before we’ve built a solid foundation as friends and this particular guy wasn’t having that. We met through another mutual friend, this was the situation that turned me against letting my friends ever play cupid again. Long story short I gave him my number and we talked for a while until he started being controlling and telling me I couldn’t have guy friends and I could only ever talk to or acknowledge him (mind you, this is while we’re supposed to be friends). He wasn’t joking by the way, trust that I asked. I remember repeatedly saying that we should be friends first, and I recall him being very antsy and impatient. He wanted to be my boyfriend, and at that point I wished he’d just go away. He got a little upset and tried to tell me about all the other girls that were just dying to have him. I deleted him on everything, and laughed about it later but initially I was extremely creeped out. Just because men are attractive doesn’t make them dateable! 

LAPP, LAPP The Brand, Leomie Anderson, Friendzone, Friendships

Source: giphy.com

I’m not sure if these types of guys feel emasculated after a woman doesn’t express immediate romantic or sexual interest in them, or if it goes deeper. Suggesting that it goes deeper is me attempting to give fuckboys the benefit of the doubt. Bottom line is women were not put on this earth for male satisfaction or to boost egos. Nor is it in our intentions as women to emasculate a man, or be a “bitch”, simply because we don’t want them in the same way they want us. However, if you are a man, and you feel emasculated by a woman simply wanting to be your friend then its best you re-evaluate your life and realize that you are a part of the problem.

Now, I’m not saying that men and women are incapable of being friends without being more than, I’m saying that in my experience and from my perspective, this has never worked out in my favour and each time has ended in awkwardness and my immense lack of hope for the progression of my friendships with men. Bottom Line: If a woman has expressed repeatedly that she just wants to be platonic, your persistence isn’t sexy, it doesn’t turn her on, nor does it make her want you more, it turns YOU into a creep. She is not playing you… you are playing yourself.


Written by Tomera Hall


Tomera Hall

Tomera is a homebody who enjoys female assassin movies and scrolling through tumblr, blogging all things fashion, beautiful people, and Rihanna. You cal follow Tomera at tommietrilfiger.tumblr.com if you want in on that magic.

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