I’ve always been considered the mature one. The one that rarely makes mistakes, physician doesn’t let things affect her, good with boys and overall has her shit together, or so I’d like to think anyway.
From the early stages of high school, I’ve struggled to show emotions with boys, I’m the type of girl that will fancy the pants off you and deny it to everyone and even you. I didn’t want to be that girl suffering from heartbreak crying in the toilet or finding out her boyfriend’s been BBM’ing another chick from a different school. Spare me. I started later than every other girl, so realistically I’m not mature at all, I’m the immature one.
The façade I’ve been putting on for up to 10 years, was completely shattered as my last relationship’s journey came to a sporadic halt, and this bad bitch wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. I was not prepared for the varied emotional states I was going to experience.
People genuinely think girls like myself don’t have a functioning heart, purely because we choose not to deal with bullshit or trivial things, we can separate the feeling of “it is what it is” and “emotion” easier than others.
So, when I am in my feelings, all loved up (which is very rare), being all gushy “my boyfriend this and my boyfriend that” kind of talk, it’s hard for the people in my life to get to grips with, not going to lie, even I can’t stomach it.
My ex didn’t expect the tears, he didn’t expect the emotion…in fact I honestly think, he thought I was going to turn around and spud him and move onto the next one because I’m “strong”. He responded, “I thought you would have handled this better.” Huh? What? Because I’m perceived as “mature for my age”, I’m not supposed to have feelings and more importantly not show them when and how I choose to? Please inform me, how is a 21-year-old young woman meant to act in such circumstances?
In our generation, females either have no heart or have too much, and I’m in the middle. I play the positions of a girly girl and a boss ass bitch, when and how I want to and I refuse to apologise for it. Finding the balance isn’t an easy process. I am confident and proud in my ability to be an independent, tough cookie and a sensitive, loving provider by nature all at the same damn time.
Just a head’s up to the strong-minded females, receiving “Are you okay?” from every Tom, Dick or Harry and responding “yeah I’m good thank you” will not actually make you good. “Hell no, I’m not good” say it with your chest, because I promise eventually you will be. We worry so much about what people will think. Be impulsive, share your emotions and feelings even if it is out of your character.
I’m not writing this to lecture you on how to be more emotional, but what I am saying is fuck the opinions of others – your ex, your friends, your current man, your family. Us females handle things differently – some cry, some cuss you, your mum and your pet hamster out, some stay silent and plot their revenge and some genuinely remain happy no matter the circumstances.
Don’t ever apologise for being strong. Don’t ever apologise for being weak. Don’t be disheartened because you don’t show emotion like your best friend or your sister, we’re all built differently.
Written by Rhea Mae Williams